How to respond respectfully?

[renee stanley]

Hi everyone,

I have come to seek advice around something that I am finding a struggle with. It is something that my work partners and I are trying to sharpen up on. However, we are finding it difficult to find the right words to try to both not offend but also be clear on our values, aspirations and visions we have for the people we are involved with.

We come into contact on a daily basis of Service staff, coordinators, support workers, sso workers etc.. Most of them being good hearted, well intentioned people who are trying best they know how to support someone who lives with a disability. Unfortunately, all too often they fall short on delivering on or even thinking about main stream inclusion for the people who they work for.

I am a network builder, that is my sole purpose or guideline that I work under. I am constanly in conversation with coordinators who are excited about having a Network builder involved in someeones life. They support what I do and talk about it in such a positive way. "We have so many people who could use what you offer" is something that is said constantly. However, in the same sentence they refer to the great "disability surf life saving club" that they are currently involved in starting up and talk about how great it is that they are doing something that is positive, community buliding and INCLUSIVE!!...... I just go tense and smile and cringe inside that I don't know what to say.. I feel like yelling and screaming that this is exactly what we are NOT about, that there should not be an US and THEM but a club that strives to include everyone no matter what a persons capabilites or barriers are. Of course I do not do that but am left feeling misunderstood and alone.

This is just an example but my question is how do I communicate clearly about my vision for the people I work with without discrediting their work and/ or understanding?

Communication is such a powerful tool. If I can get it right or just better, I'm sure I can work in a much more powerful and inspiring manner.

I look forward to your advice, comments and thoughts

Renee :)

[renee stanley]

Hi Tim,

I would be lying if I said I always knew this stuff. Because I didn't. I guess I am lucky in the sense that I have only been working in the disability sector for 12 months. Before that I was a student at UNI studying Social work and working as a child care worker.
I was looking for something new and meaningful and came across the job I am now in. I have learnt so much through my Manager who is such a strong vision builder and very clear about what constitutes a 'good life' for people who are devalued. Or more to the point, what does NOT constitute a good life.
I pretty much got thrown straight into the learnings of SRV and PASSING and just 'got it' right away. I guess you could say that I was a blank white board that hadn't been moulded by the institutionalised way of thinking.
I still have sooooo much more to learn, I am still on my Learner's permit you could say haha. I really struggle to verbalise my thoughts and reasons in a way that helps people understand why the path of least resistance is the one I encourage people to choose. I love coming on here and sharing my learnings and asking for advice. This is such a rich source of dialouge and I am thankful for it
:) Renee

[tim vogt]

Dear Diary,
I was reading this post on the Inclusion Ning message Board and it reminded me of myself…

Seriously, though, this is a great conversation. Thanks for posting the question, Renee, and good for you for considering it. I think Margy’s on the right trail. So let me bear witness from the other end a bit....

One of my fave bands when I was in college was Guided By Voices. They had this beautiful song called "Awful Bliss." What a great title, huh?

You know what’s really important to work for, Renee… and right on! Did you always know it? Did you go to a conference or have a mentor? If you always knew it, then bravo, but….not me.

I'm 33, and I've only just learned about the importance of social roles, the effects of congregation, and the true responsibilities of this work over the last two years. Before that, I think of myself as being in a state of "awful bliss"...I LOVED my work! I happily went on "outings" and planned and implemented terrific "service models" and "programs."

If you asked me about Waddie Welcome, I'd probably have thought you were talking about some obscure band I neeeded to listen to. I never learned of Person-Centered Planning and didn't know my conservatism corollary from a hole in the ground.

I live in Cincinnati, so was fortunate to cross paths with Jo Krippenstapel. She asked me to coffee a few times and started giving me stuff to read. Then she started introducing me to other people who live locally and understand this stuff, like Joe Erpenbeck and Jack Pealer. Then she started inviting me to local gatherings where I could hear the message of Judith Snow, Hope Dittmeier, John McKnight, and Tom Kohler, among others. She'd send me announcements of conferences, webinars and articles.

Again, this was all over the course of two years, and in between the readings, gatherings, etc, Jo would make time for coffee to help me work through all of this and offer new challenges and opportunities.

As I’m learning, I have certainly been challenged by the material itself, but along the way, the most threatened I ever feel is when I feel like I’m being looked down on, being judged or excluded. It still happens once in a while. I feel like there’s a “cool kids club” that I’m left out of, even though I know that’s mostly just my insecurities. Like Margy said, it’s a different version of the us/them divisions, and we all know how much it sucks to be excluded.

But I never feel that way with Jo, because she let me find my own way with her guidance and support along the way. I could ask her anything about this work and know she’s not going to judge me. She certainly may disagree (I think I’ve detected a tense/cringe-y smile now and then, when I’ve taken a step backward) but she has never let on. She just sends a new article or pulls out some incredible John O’Brien quote that explains it all and I say “A Ha!”

I still LOVE my work, which has become my life, even though it is far far far far from perfect, but I’ve got a lot of hope that at least I know what direction we need to be heading. I sometimes tease Jo that I’m mad at her for ruining my “awful bliss.” Life was so much easier in 2007, even if it was somewhat obliviously so!

One thing that Jo and I have done here locally is start something called “What’s Next?” Every other month, we have people meet at a local university and we have a presenter. We try to have the presenters be local, so we’ve had Joe Erpenbeck present on ABCD. Jack Pealer and a group of families presented on the Good Life Networks, a local group modeled on Al Etmanski’s circles at PLAN. Tom Knestrict (a local professor studying family resiliency) is coming in September, Hope Dittmeier in November, the Waddie readings in January, and Dave Hammis in March of 2011. We’ve (so far) gotten 30-40 people at each one: families, people in the service world, etc. The goal is to share ideas and welcome people into a supportive learning environment. Whoever wants to come is welcome. No fees, no requirements....just snacks and conversation.

This is way too long, now. Sorry about that. Blame it on Jo:)

[Margy Meath]

This is a great dialogue and Renee's question is one that I think about quite a bit. I no longer work in the 'service' side of the world but interact with service providers on a very regular basis. It's difficult, at times, to not become frustrated and discouraged when I think about some of the things that occur in the name of 'support' that are not seen or felt as supportive by the 'receiver'. Likewise, the 'us and them' thinking can create a great deal of angst for me until I remember that I sometimes struggle with my very own 'us and them' - i.e. those who 'get it' about ______________ and those who don't.
I don't have any magic answers, but do believe that good things come from honest, open dialogue and that if we focus more on changing ourselves we'll get further more quickly. I do think it's important to speak out against injustice and to find ways to do this without 'throwing stones' or piling on blame.
Sometimes it can be very useful to share our own struggles with what it means to 'help' or 'support' others and how our thinking and behavior has changed over time - this can be a great way of providing an alternate point of view in a non-threatening manner.

[renee stanley]

Thank you Peter,
I really appreciate your advice. Yes, I do believe if I can have a conversation about the mission statements some of these people are working under in casual, relaxed and non- threatening type way, it would be very useful and bring up a lot of useful stuff for some rich conversation. I realise that people like your daughters friend, are some of the people who would really be inspired to make a difference seeing they haven't been moulded into the 'Servicey' world and mindset yet. They are sponges, wanting to make a difference and really impact someones life in the most positive way they can.
Thanks again, I enjoy these conversations, they really help me re think and clairfy what I do and how to go about it....
Renee :)

[Peter Leidy]

Hi Renee,
A couple thoughts...
What you are describing, in my experience, is common. I think Alan's suggestions are right on. Just yesterday I had a conversation with a very loving young woman who is a friend of my daughter. She is in college and just got a full time job with an agency supporting people who live in group homes. She has been through the orientation, some training, and is not learning about inclusion but rather about "taking care" of these men who are middle-aged. She is excited about taking these "clients" on "outings" to baseball games and the mall. We talked about client vs. citizen, the difficulty of accomplishing any kind of integration/inclusion/belonging/valued roles when you've got 4 people all together, etc. Not that I have all the answers for her (nor was she looking for any -- she was just telling me about her new job!) - but I think having a real, even short, conversation can make a difference. She wants to help. People who want to help, I think,benefit from conversations about what helping really means. How does help/assistance/support relate to justice and inclusion and making our communities better places for all? These are the conversations that do not typically take place within service organizations. You - gently talking about this from your heart - could really make a difference.
One other idea.. if you can do it.. engage the service coordinators in a conversation about their mission statement (or whatever their publicity says about what they believe in and strive for). Does what you witness match what they say they do?
Peter

[renee stanley]

Thank you Alan,

Yes, You are right. That is some useful advice. Simple and true. I will do that.. I never get angry or frustrated at the other person but I feel like I can never acurately communicate my point across in a way which is easy for them to understand. I'm sure that with practise and time I will get better at this.
Thank you again

[Alan Sloan]

Hi Renee,

I understand your reaction to other people's well-intentioned attempts at inclusion that actually result in further exclusion. However, if you can genuinely affirm their good intentions and then ask if you might make a suggestion to "fine-tune" their lovely idea a little bit, that might be helpful. Then state precisely what you shared here about the importance of creating "a club that strives to include everyone no matter what a persons capabilities or barriers are." I think it's also a question of putting your own emotional responses in perspective. Your frustration is well-intentioned, as well. Seeing and affirming the good intentions behind our own and other people's actions and reactions is the first step toward communicating with them. But speaking from the perspective of that frustration won't work since it seemingly negates the other person's desire to benefit the situation. Speak from your own good intention to the other person's good intention and let go of everything else that gets in the way. Easier said than done, I know.